Thread: The Official Jokes & Riddles Thread

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  1. #1 The Official Jokes & Riddles Thread 
    Looted
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    Rules:
    -Must not be racist !
    -Don't Go overboard on the swearing.
    -Remember the flaming rule still applys here

    Have fun

    ~Looted

    [Threads Merged & Edited By Bobbert]
    Last edited by David12; 06-20-2008 at 08:44 PM.
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  2. #2  
    20lbs of pussy and ass

    Afro's Avatar
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    there was once a little chicken who breathed through its butt, it once sat down and died.
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  3. #3  
    my rep is h4x0r3d


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    Afro, that was laugh out loud funny, my turn.

    Corn.


    Imagine that =D
    Quote Originally Posted by super_ View Post
    this is shit. you are shit. gtfo retard.
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  4. #4  
    Inferno
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    Thats Pretty Retarded...

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

    All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

    The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

    "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
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  5. #5  
    Registered Member Balrog's Avatar
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    Dont have a Tantrum for being de repped
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  6. #6  
    Looted
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrazedSanity View Post
    Thats Pretty Retarded...

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

    All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

    The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

    "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
    Lol, A man walks into a bar... "OUCH!"

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  7. #7  
    Crysis
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    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks the keeper "excuthe me sir hafe you got a wunny wannit?"the shop keeper's heart melts he bends down and gets on he's knees and says" would you like a widdle bwack won, a thoft white won or a widdle bwown one."
    the little girl blushes,rocks on her heels,leans foward with her hands on her knees and whispers "i dont weally tink my pyfon gives a fwuck"



    90% of chaves said they have had sex in the shower, the other 10% said they havent been in prison yet.
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  8. #8  
    ernisx
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    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
    I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
    nicely saying, "Hello?"

    I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
    to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
    couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
    Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
    last two digits.

    After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
    laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
    person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
    hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
    put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
    paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
    answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
    was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
    the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
    heard his voice. "Hello?"

    I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
    company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
    new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
    receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
    you're a jackass!"

    The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
    you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
    something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

    (Keep reading, it gets better.)

    One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
    pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
    going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
    and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
    plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
    a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
    the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
    my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
    first!"

    The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
    toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
    myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
    in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
    window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
    another place to park.

    The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
    off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
    jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
    number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
    guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
    couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
    the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

    "Yes."

    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
    the car is parked right out front."

    I asked, "What's your name?"

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home in the evenings."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Sure."

    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

    After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
    had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
    wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
    came up with a solution.

    First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
    and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

    The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

    I said, "Yeah."

    He said, "Stop calling me."

    I said, "No!"

    He said, "What's your name, pal?"

    I said, "Don Hansen."

    He said, "Where do you live?"

    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
    is parked out front."

    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
    prayers."

    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

    Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

    I said, "Hello, jackass!"

    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?"

    "I'll kick your butt."

    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

    And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
    I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
    to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
    to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
    Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
    Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

    I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
    front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
    off the evening news!
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  9. #9  
    Crysis
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    rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl i ****ed me self rofl

    a lady goes into a petshop and said "can i buy a parrot" the assistant says "yes this one is 100,this one is 400 and this 1 is 15" she said "why is the last one 15" the assistant replied "he worked in a bar" "ILL BUY IT" she says.

    when she gets home the parrot says "**** me a new bar" the lady laughes
    when her girls get home the parrot says: "**** me 2 new prozzies" they laughed
    when the dad gets home the parrot says "**** me tim, i havent seen u in weeks"
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  10. #10  
    Foals

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    Well...
    Theres a Blonde in Year 1. At school today she Learned the Alphabet. She ran home to her mum and Said to her " Mummy, Mummy At school i said all the letters Up to G but all the others in the Class did it up to E" Her mum Said "Well done" The Blonde said "isit because im Blonde" and the Mum replied "yes Darling"
    The Next day the Blonde went to school and they started running. She ran home to her Mum and Said to her "Mummy, Mummy At school i Ran the furthest without getting out of breathe in the WHOOLEEEE CLASS!!" Her Mum said " Well done" The blonde said "isit because im Blonde" and the mum replied "yes Darling"
    The next day the Blonde went to school And they had Gym Class. She Ran home to her Mum And said to her "Mummy Mummy, At school today i was in the showers at School, All the over girls where Flat Chested and i have 36 DD's!!" Her mum said" i know darling" Then the Blonde said "isit because im Blonde?" and the mum replied "No Darling..... Your 24"
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